T-17: Secrets

People who drink more than they want to become very good at keeping secrets. Our hangovers, gaps in memory, how much we drink – we keep these as secrets.  We don’t want anyone to know how bad things really are.  Because it’s embarrassing, humiliating.  But also because then we might have to stop. One of my personal secrets is how much I sleep. I’m able to “work from home” some of the time, so I use this time by myself to sleep, to recover from the wine I drank the night before. This makes me feel ashamed and guilty. One of the gifts of sobriety is letting go of these behaviors and the secrets that go along with them. Which of course, means feeling less ashamed.  I’m looking forward to this.  And I’m thinking about a new secret, a much better secret.  I’m not really quitting for only 100 days. My 100 days will become 200.  And then a full year.  And then maybe even forever.  But I’m going to keep this secret for myself.  I don’t want to talk about it and what it means, put a label on it or dissect it. I don’t want anyone to question it or feel sorry for me or look at me a certain way.  My plan is to quit and then tell people I like my life this way and then just keep going.

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