T-13: Second Thoughts

Every time evening arrives and there’s no wine, The Voice comes slinking around the corner.

This is terrible. You love red wine. Don’t commit to forever. That’s not what you want. Other people take breaks and then try moderation. Don’t be crazy. Be realistic.

I think I need to respond with anything that soothes the voice and am not above lying. I’ll say, ok, it’s just a 100 days. And that immediately seems to satisfy. Or I say maybe I’ll drink again when I retire. As long as the door to drinking again someday remains open, the voice calms down and accepts the plan.

Here I am talking to my own self as if it isn’t me but another entity completely, living inside my head. And I think I can trick it! It sounds irrational but it also makes sense that this voice is silent in the morning during the shame-filled hangover. Not much good to say about wine then, is there?! No, this voice waits until you feel a little less toxic and wine seems less like poison, say around 4pm or so. That’s when the voice comes out of hiding.

Belle calls it Wofie. I’ve heard others say Wine Witch. To me it’s just The Voice. And I’m coming to accept that it’s addiction talking, seeming to have a life of its own. It makes me sad that I let this happen to me, did this to myself. But at our house we say, about many things, it is what it is. And then we move forward.

2 thoughts on “T-13: Second Thoughts

  1. I have come to look at that internal voice as little Anne. She is desperately trying to get my attention, but because I don’t listen she had become shrill and angry.

    Part of that was the pain of addiction made me lose trust in myself, so I couldn’t begin to understand what I wanted.

    As a result I stayed in the cycle of trying not to drink so much, drinking, regretting drinking, promising myself I would act differently and failing. And then being angry at myself and indignant that I was fine, had a good professional job, my family, money…everyone drank damn it.

    I couldn’t really see much outside that…it took some sober time.

    You are not making a mistake. 100 days alcohol free will not deprive you of anything…

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

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