I wrote this about four months into my sobriety in 2016:
I’ve been trying to put my finger on this very fleeting little, flit in and flit out thought/feeling that comes upon me once in a while now. It’s a very good feeling but so foreign and surprising that I can’t hold on to it when it comes and so fast that I can’t quite describe it. I think it’s a realization that my thoughts about drinking (the thoughts that I’ve had for so very, very long) are… warped? an illusion? I can’t name it yet. I think it’s the truth trying to get through, but wolfie is still hanging on. He’s got his jaw clenched, his eyes shut and his claws dug in. Here I am in my fourth month and I think it’s just barely coming through, like a radio station that cuts in and out. Of course, in my head, I can think rationally about alcohol and how negative it is, how stupid our cultures are for embedding it so deeply, etc. But this is different than a rational thought in the front of my brain. This is a realization, maybe a feeling, deeper inside. Maybe it’s like the difference between thinking something in my rational mind and believing it to be true deep down. It’s terribly difficult to explain. It’s the opposite of the sad feeling I get when I think about the shiny glass of wine in the sun that I “can’t” or “am choosing not to” have. This is a feeling that all of that angst is silly, some sort of illusion of truth.
And last night when I was getting ready for bed, this same feeling came over me again, very briefly. On only day two?! I’m looking forward to seeing if it keeps coming back. I’m thinking of it as a carrot to keep me moving forward.
This got me looking for other carrots. On day 148 sober I wrote:
No longer craving/needing daily replacement drinks. Still eating something sweet at night, guilt free. Not thinking as much about drinking or not drinking. Thinking about my to do lists, my marriage, my kids, my walks, and my recent reading projects instead. It’s all good stuff even when it’s not. I like going to bed sober and waking up feeling healthy instead of crappy.
As I type this, the witching hour is approaching, but so far I’m feeling pretty good.