Day Seven: 2016

When I decided to start drinking again in 2016, I had thought about it for a long time, planned it out. I didn’t do it on a whim. (Sound familiar?)

Here’s why I did it, what was in my head.

1. I thought some of the brain training I had learned to get and stay sober could be used for assisting in moderation.

2. I read a research paper reporting that people can reduce their alcohol consumption over time. I thought maybe it wasn’t true that things only get worse.

3. Drinking daily and drinking more than a couple drinks no longer felt appealing to me. I didn’t feel drawn to boozy numbness anymore. I thought this was a good starting place for a go at moderation.

4. People say those who relapse often go on to drink for a long time before quitting again. To me this was proof that I was missing out, that I would love it if I went back to wine.

5. I hated planning how to handle social situations, thinking about what to say or what I wanted other people to say about me. I didn’t like my sober girl identity. And protecting my sobriety didn’t feel “easier.”

The first time I drank, I had one glass in a restaurant and went home and had none.

I remember the first time I wanted to drink more than what I had planned (and I did drink more). I think it was two months later.

Last January my dad became ill and then passed away just two months later. I soothed myself with wine throughout this time.

And then I was back to the same place I was when I quit drinking the first time. But it took nine more months before I was ready to give it up again.

3 thoughts on “Day Seven: 2016

  1. I had some very similar thoughts.
    After months of sobriety I had addressed my severe depression, I had started Yoga and found in it a path to a beautiful life. I was happier.
    So maybe I could drink responsibly? Just for fun, not to self medicate.

    But I always ask myself why. For the taste? Unlikely. For the buzzz….for the numbness…to turn off my brain. That’s more me.

    So then I ask myself am I willing to risk the stillness and peace and life that I have found in sobriety to dabble I’m drinking?
    And I realize that could be a very expensive drink. And that all the mindfulness training in the world can only encourage not taking mind numbing substances.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A very wise and aware cautionary tale. I can put my feet right in your shoes with much of what you say here.
    It is an odd phenomenon. Not unlike when a tragedy or unexpected mishap occurs in your life. As time passes the rough edges blur and the memories fade a bit. Soon you don’t have such sharp memories of the pain.
    Similarly, our brains can really smooth the sharp edges of the soul-suffering all that drinking was causing. It’s easy to look for very rational reasons to consider “healthy” drinking again or moderation.
    I think one of the most important things for me is to never ever become complacent. To always respect the awesome power of the Beast in my brain if I ever choose to let it wake again.
    Inner peace and a life of quiet joy inside (even in the midst of possible chaos outside) is worth more to me these days.

    Hugs,
    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

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