When I decided to start drinking again in 2016, I had thought about it for a long time, planned it out. I didn’t do it on a whim. (Sound familiar?)
Here’s why I did it, what was in my head.
1. I thought some of the brain training I had learned to get and stay sober could be used for assisting in moderation.
2. I read a research paper reporting that people can reduce their alcohol consumption over time. I thought maybe it wasn’t true that things only get worse.
3. Drinking daily and drinking more than a couple drinks no longer felt appealing to me. I didn’t feel drawn to boozy numbness anymore. I thought this was a good starting place for a go at moderation.
4. People say those who relapse often go on to drink for a long time before quitting again. To me this was proof that I was missing out, that I would love it if I went back to wine.
5. I hated planning how to handle social situations, thinking about what to say or what I wanted other people to say about me. I didn’t like my sober girl identity. And protecting my sobriety didn’t feel “easier.”
The first time I drank, I had one glass in a restaurant and went home and had none.
I remember the first time I wanted to drink more than what I had planned (and I did drink more). I think it was two months later.
Last January my dad became ill and then passed away just two months later. I soothed myself with wine throughout this time.
And then I was back to the same place I was when I quit drinking the first time. But it took nine more months before I was ready to give it up again.