Day 38: Rage

I went into a bit of a rage today. Not irritation or frustration, but full. on. RAGE. Why? Well, I blame white bread. What? Yes.

Ok, so the rage came after a string of smaller negative emotions. I received a meeting request for 8am on a Monday. From a not favorite person and related to a not favorite topic. At 8am. On a Monday. Grrrr…

I texted my husband about dinner and he didn’t respond.

I picked the daughter up from school and was annoyed by the teenage traffic and her incessant need to argue with me about trivial things. And her annoyingly predictable desire to waste money on unhealthy food.

And then I started thinking about the fact that it’s Friday and I’m not drinking and I have nothing fun planned for the weekend. This lead to – I’ll  never have any fun again ever because I’m not drinking and the only fun thing in the world is wine.

Yes, this last bit brought on the rage. The Voice started yelling. There were curse words. And plans for deleting the blog, cutting ties with my supports, and heading to the liquor store.

But in the back of my mind I was wondering what was going on with me. I mean really. Why? These things are nothing new or special, nothing that terrible. And why the rage over wine so suddenly on day 38? I was actually feeling quite good about things this morning. And I did just about everything on my to do list. And I was able to work from home with my sweet doggies. All good stuff.

And then I remembered the bread. White bread. I was in a hurry at lunchtime, wanting to get all of my work done before leaving to pick up the girl. So I ate something quick and easy – a couple slices of French bread with butter. Just that. Lots of carbs and no protein. And by the time I left the house, my sugar level was crashing. And my blood was starting to boil.

I almost never eat this way, and now I remember why.  Luckily, some trail mix saved the day. I guess it’s true what they say about HALT. Look out for feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

Be well everyone, and remember to eat well too!



8 thoughts on “Day 38: Rage

  1. Hunger gets me often. I have become willing to drink coke if necessary when I drop. Or peanut butter cups. They are my emergency go to.

    It’s funny. All those little things alone are not bad, but together they are ANNOYING. Especially the school traffic. Ours is the same. Nightmare.

    Hugs. Please don’t disappear.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember in the days 40-50ish feeling like I was on the most exhausting emotional roller coaster of my life. Sometimes from one hour to the next, I would be feeling soooooo fine, then some tiny little thing would set me off and I would feel furious. I also went through some pretty tough rages about the not drinking part.
    I look at it like a spiral going upwards. The mood shifts came closer together and more fiercely early on. They still come, but seem further apart and more often not so intense, and most of the time pass more quickly.
    Even still, I am not kidding myself. Lots of what I’ve read suggests that the whole first year is so much about adjusting. I think emotionallly, and physically too. Toxins come out in layers and sometimes our brains just do wacky stuff to deal with the garbage being metabolized from deep down.
    I am glad you are here, Jen. I would be respectful of your choice if you decided at any point to leave, even for awhile. Your journey has to be authentic and that never looks like doing what you think you “have” to do, inclluding keeping a blog.
    But your posts are inspiring. Your words and experiences and insights are valuable and helpful. Thank you for that.
    I know the tough feelings will pass and you will move along to the next thing. You are the sky. Everything else is just weather passing through.
    Take good care. Happy Friday!!!
    Warm Hugs and Good Wishes,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Apparently ‘hangry’ is being added to the Oxford dictionary this year which shows how many people are experiencing this and using the word. I’ve also struggled with strong feelings over the past year, particularly anger. Deep breaths and ‘this too shall pass’ have stopped me lashing out and getting into trouble on more than one occasion. I hope your weekend is calm and peaceful x


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