This topic has been on my mind for quite a while. I’m not sure what I think about it exactly or even what I’m about to say. And that’s why I’ve decided I need to write it out. Hopefully the writing will help me clarify my jumbled thoughts.
You see, this blog is a secret.
Not a soul in my live-and-in-person life knows about it. And for the most part, that’s how I want it. After all, my topic is pretty personal. Very few people in my life even know I’m not drinking. Mostly because it hasn’t come up. And those who do know, like the husband and kids, believe it’s a hundred day challenge, a break. They haven’t asked what will happen at the end of the 100 days. In fact, my son is simultaneously abstaining from soda and I know what his plans are for his 100-day celebration. 🙂
When I created the blog, I did it for two reasons. For accountability and to have a record of my thoughts to look back on, I guess mainly to help avoid relapse.
But now I’ve been writing daily for more than two months, and it feels a little weird (maybe even quite a bit weird) that the husband knows nothing about it.
And people from all over the world come and read my words and that’s so cool and I’d love to tell my kids that.
But I don’t want the kids or the husband to read all of this and I don’t want to think about them as a potential audience when I’m writing.
And I worry about the husband’s reaction – he already thinks I’m a bit off my rocker. Of course, he knows I sometimes drink too much and behave badly. And he knows I quit for a long spell and then started again. But I don’t think he understands any of it very well. And the few times I’ve tried to help him understand, he’s reacted with some alarm/fear. I guess that’s understandable since my relationship with alcohol is somewhat alarming and scary. He tends to want to solve problems like this by “getting help,” but I don’t see AA or a therapist in my near future. I actually feel like I’m doing quite well with my current support system, thank you very much. Sigh.
Right now I’m leaning towards sharing just a little – that there is an online community that is helpful. He does know about Belle, but – a sober coach in France?! How weird is that? I’m sure this only adds to my wonky appearance.
I guess part of my hesitation about sharing has to do with my concerns around sharing the fact that I plan to quit long term. I like the idea of my quitting as being more organic – I quit for 100 days, decide to keep going, and then decide I like my life better this way. No dramatic announcement, just a gradual change to a better me.
Hmmmm… maybe I’m not done thinking.