Day 51: Blogging in Secret

This topic has been on my mind for quite a while. I’m not sure what I think about it exactly or even what I’m about to say. And that’s why I’ve decided I need to write it out. Hopefully the writing will help me clarify my jumbled thoughts.

You see, this blog is a secret.

Not a soul in my live-and-in-person life knows about it. And for the most part, that’s how I want it. After all, my topic is pretty personal. Very few people in my life even know I’m not drinking. Mostly because it hasn’t come up. And those who do know, like the husband and kids, believe it’s a hundred day challenge, a break. They haven’t asked what will happen at the end of the 100 days. In fact, my son is simultaneously abstaining from soda and I know what his plans are for his 100-day celebration. 🙂

When I created the blog, I did it for two reasons. For accountability and to have a record of my thoughts to look back on, I guess mainly to help avoid relapse.

But now I’ve been writing daily for more than two months, and it feels a little weird (maybe even quite a bit weird) that the husband knows nothing about it.

And people from all over the world come and read my words and that’s so cool and I’d love to tell my kids that.

But I don’t want the kids or the husband to read all of this and I don’t want to think about them as a potential audience when I’m writing.

And I worry about the husband’s reaction – he already thinks I’m a bit off my rocker. Of course, he knows I sometimes drink too much and behave badly. And he knows I quit for a long spell and then started again. But I don’t think he understands any of it very well. And the few times I’ve tried to help him understand, he’s reacted with some alarm/fear. I guess that’s understandable since my relationship with alcohol is somewhat alarming and scary. He tends to want to solve problems like this by “getting help,” but I don’t see AA or a therapist in my near future. I actually feel like I’m doing quite well with my current support system, thank you very much. Sigh.

Right now I’m leaning towards sharing just a little – that there is an online community that is helpful. He does know about Belle, but – a sober coach in France?! How weird is that? I’m sure this only adds to my wonky appearance.

I guess part of my hesitation about sharing has to do with my concerns around sharing the fact that I plan to quit long term. I like the idea of my quitting as being more organic – I quit for 100 days, decide to keep going, and then decide I like my life better this way. No dramatic announcement, just a gradual change to a better me.

Hmmmm… maybe I’m not done thinking.

jen

 

7 thoughts on “Day 51: Blogging in Secret

  1. This struggle is real. I kept my blog secret for a long time before coming out. Even now, I’m only a tiny bit out. I told hubs I had a blog, but not where to find it. I need the blog for myself, like a soak in a hot bath after a bad day. It’s a ‘for me only’ thing. I might invite him to stick a toe in the water now and then, but it’s strictly invitation only. Do what feels right for you. And that might change over time. Q.

    Ps – love son’s soda challenge.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s so adorable and incredibly touching that your son has given up soda and joined you on your 100 day challenge! I’ve kept my blog a delicious secret from everyone – the only one who knows is my dog lol. I don’t feel I need to share this with anyone. The only people I want weighing in on my blog are the ones struggling along with me, the ones who completely get it. My husband is hugely supportive but at this point I don’t want him reading my stuff. He does know that I read sober blogs though and frankly, he’s not that interested anyway. I admire those brave enough to unmask themselves online, however, I feel no one should feel pressure to ever do so. Many have blogged about this very topic but bottom line for me is that it should always be a personal choice. You are over the halfway point too! That must feel amazing 🎉‼️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I’m going to let this go for a while and see how I feel. I think part of me was hoping to hear that it’s ok to keep it a secret.
      And yes, the boy is darling, but I think he’s doing the challenge less out of solidarity than for his own personal gratification. He’s a lot like me when it comes to projects, challenges, etc. 🙂

      Like

      1. Good plan! Don’t put any pressure on yourself and deflect any external pressure you might find elsewhere in the soberverse. Some people believe we should all unmask at some point. That’s an opinion I do not agree with. It’s a deeply personal choice not to be taken without a lot of consideration first. I think goal-setting via projects and challenges is a great strategy 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Of course it’s ok to keep a secret. Some day you might change your mind. That’s ok too.
        Being open minded, willing to reconsider choices and be,diving in yourself. Those are keys to a good life.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My blog is private, but I share it with others as inspired.
    My picture and name are on it. My husband knows about it, and my sister.
    My mom doesn’t and I would prefer it stay that way.

    The rest of my life I am openly sober. I talk about depression and anxiety and medication and therapy.

    I feel like I connect well with others who are scared. I think my happiness encourages them to believe me, if only a little, that life can be better.

    That is a blessing.

    Time changes everything. My views on this changed over the first year. I started this as a year off. Not recovery. Not addiction. Just breaking a habit.

    But I found such depth and truth in the world of recovery that I had to join in.

    Liked by 1 person

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