Day 123: make a new ending

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Last night I watched myself drink red wine.

No, it wasn’t actually me. But boy did it look like me.

We had pizza at my sister in law’s to spend some time with a couple of out of town visitors.   There were four adults and three kids. Only two of the adults were drinking – my husband and the visitor.  Said visitor was drinking red wine out of a box. And she was drinking it quickly. I watched her refill her glass three times while we were there and we really weren’t there all that long. And I watched her mood change. She seemed happier once she started drinking. I recognized the look on her face  – a sort of relief to finally be with her wine after anticipating it all afternoon. And there was a frantic quality to how she kept going back for more, like she couldn’t quite get enough. And as I was watching her, I remembered some of the feelings. The warm flush as the alcohol enters your bloodstream. The immediate desire for more. The concern over how quickly the first two glasses were going down – does this mean I can only have one more? Surely not. The worry over who might be watching or how I might look. Deciding to sit quietly in case I was in danger of slurring. Wishing everyone would leave so that I could drink in peace, watching TV alone through one squinting eye.

I remembered all of those things.

And I wanted nothing to do with it.

I really just wanted to go home, eat a cupcake,  and climb into bed.

And so that’s exactly what I did.

Happy Sober Saturday,

jen

13 thoughts on “Day 123: make a new ending

  1. Yes, that sounds familiar to me too. Its an obsession that knows no limits. Waiting all day for it, finally drinking, then never being satisfied whilst continuing to drink more. I would watch other people and obsess over how much they drank, and what that meant in terms of how much wine was left. It would torment me, especially if I was at someone else’s house and the host hadn’t noticed my glass needed refilling. Thats how it becomes much more appealing to drink alone, gulping it down in safe privacy away from judgmental eyes… Like you said, I want nothing to do with it anymore. Thanks for this post, it reminds me of what a fiend I turn into when alcohol is involved xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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