Day 145: seeking serenity

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This is my first visit with my mom since I quit drinking. She lives in another state, so we don’t see each other much, especially in the winter.

We have never been close. I’m not sure exactly why. It goes way back into my childhood. I can remember being as young as four or five and wanting to be with my dad and not my mom. She exudes a lot of negative emotion. And there were times in my teens and twenties when I made attempts at changing the nature of our relationship, but she somehow wasn’t able to respond in any meaningful way. And now, twenty years later, I feel  somewhat detached from her, and a little angry.

There’s more to it, of course, mostly related to differing word views and opposing personality traits. I feel a lot of resentment around how she chooses to respond to life in general.

And yet, despite all of these things, I feel like she is a part of me. We are bonded, whether I find it to be an enjoyable experience or not.

And now she’s here in my house, drinking scotch and then wine, like always. She’s the only one drinking yet doesn’t even seem to notice. But I guess it’s fine.  I’ve had my dessert and am looking forward to bed.

Happy Sober Sunday,

jen

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “Day 145: seeking serenity

  1. Continue to find strength and inspiration in your blog. 7 days into my journey and I already sense serenity of a deeper and more lasting nature. My ah hah moment today was that wine had become and was such a big part of my life, it became bigger than me, bigger than life even. And then I thought about all the time I have wasted on it, numbing myself with it, letting real life pass by. Tragic, really. But then I grabbed onto the idea that at least I have realized it before it was too late. It may be the pink clouds of early sobriety but this little turtle is going to hang onto it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yay!! Seven days is momentum! 😀 Hold on to those good feelings and when the bad ones show up, try to ignore them and just soldier on until the good ones come back around. They always do.

      Like

  2. I am reading, for the umpteenth time 🙂 Brene Brown’s “Rising Strong.”
    She says, “If we can learn to feel our way through these (difficult) experiences and own our stories of struggle, we can write our own brave endings. When we own our stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in stories someone else is writing.”
    Think, for a moment, of all the deep work you’ve done since you last spent time with your mom.
    You are writing your own brave story, jen.
    You are a person who chooses to discover what there is to learn from your experiences, good and tough, and find the gratitude within each moment.
    You will do the same with this week.
    You are stronger than you know!
    Hugs,
    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

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