Day 156: vital signs

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Twenty two weeks and two days into this new sober life, seems like a good enough time as any to check in and assess how things are going.

Vital Signs

Sleep – Getting to sleep is easy and great. I still sleep more lightly than I would like, but if I wake up, I can usually go right back to sleep. No more wide awake (for an hour or longer) and sick in the middle of the night. I often wake up before my alarm now. Most days I seem to want a nap in the afternoon. I can sleep for an hour in the afternoon and still go to bed at my usual time. I have no idea if this is normal or even normal for me, but those naps do feel good.

Desire for Alcohol  – I can’t remember the last time I had a real honest to goodness craving. I do sometimes still have feelings of jealousy for those who are drinking wine happily. I still try not to think about drinking, but the whole situation is easier now for sure.

Mood – This has been a really good week. I’m feeling peaceful and steady and hopeful about the future. Overall my moods seem to be more even-keeled with normal ups and downs that are less extreme. I still suspect that my mental health is strongly affected by the weather and the amount of sunshine in any given day.

Relationships – I am more present and more patient and more purposeful with my kids. I find myself noticing and appreciating happy interactions with the husband. I also feel stronger about standing up for myself and  asking that my needs be met too. I used to spend so much time covering and feeling guilty that I felt like I was in no position to be asking for much of anything besides forgiveness.

Miscellaneous – better skin, brighter eyes, more money, more productivity, more reliable, no memory loss, healthier gut, etc.

Weight is the same, but with dessert at least once a day, that’s a win.

Am I forgetting anything?

Happy Sober Thursday,

jen

 

4 thoughts on “Day 156: vital signs

  1. I keep coming back to this post, especially the section “desire for alcohol.”
    I also still sometimes notice “feellings of jealousy for those who are drinking wine happily.” I wonder about this because, except for the now fairly rare cravings, I don’t have a desire to actually drink wine.
    I’m playing with the idea that the jealousy comes from several places:
    * ego: it is still hard, sometimes, for me to believe addiction actually happened to me as I “had it so together.” Family history of addiction so I was always so aware, so careful about my drinking, or so I thought. It still comes as a shock to me sometimes that I’d slipped so far down the slippery slope.
    * realizing I romanticize the idea of “drinking wine happily” more than the reality of what my drinking had actually become.
    * grieving a loss. For one hot second wine really did feel soothing. Until it didn’t
    * getting used to being comfortable in my own skin. It’s worth it to learn to value me without a social lubricant, but it’s also lots of work. 🙂
    * Realizing I may be jealous of a story I make up when I see someone else apparently “casually enjoying a drink.” I can’t really know the story behind anyone else’s drinking.
    * Realizing it’s my job to take care of building my own sense of worthiness, and to learn to love me for me. I am learning to be less afraid, and more confident that I am worthy of connection, just as I am. Not as someone who has to mirror what I think the other person needs to see or experience from me. Not needing wine to ease the edginess of being real and present in each moment.
    * Recovery is a big committment, a big life adjustment. For me it has created opportunities for a lot of inner reflection and learning. Just opening a bottle and gliding through the evening or the event or life, for that matter, takes, in some respects, less effort.
    I am realizing, as time passes, how much more an authentic life truly means to me. I am learning not to envy or value anyone else’s experiences more than my own truth and my own story.
    Some days it goes more smoothly than others, but the underlying and growing sense of peace is worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, to all of these things. You articulate so well the complex emotions behind the feeling I describe as jealousy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have a feeling I’ll be coming back to this one. ☺️

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      1. Everything I said is true and real for me. It is so complicated sometimes though. Last night I was spending time with someone very dear to me who was drinking wine. I still didn’t want the wine. I was just so pissed (another element of jealousy?). Having it around still makes me think about it and all the complicated emotions associated with it. I wish it would just go the f*%# away sometimes. Yet, I know the reminders allow me the chance to do some more release work. I know the drinking was just the tip of the iceburg and that the feelings I pushed below the surface will continue to float up so I can let them go and learn how to cope without numbing.
        Today I plan to get into the sun, relax, read or watch something that makes me laugh, and step away from the heavy stuff. Sometimes a girl just needs a break! 🙂
        Thanks for being in this space, jen!

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