Day 438: contradictions

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I’m afraid I’ve been making myself miserable.

This winter has been hard. I’ve often been very down, unhappy, depressed. Yet I look at the snowbanks and take pleasure in the size of them. I think I’m handling the dark and cold better than I usually do. But the negative thoughts and feelings clearly say that I’m not.

Although I’ve been feeling a bit better these last couple of days. Out of the blue, not sure why, but it’s good. Maybe that’s why I’m finally reaching out to all of you again. And I know it’s healthy for me to take this step, a step forward instead of the backward-facing thing I’ve been doing lately.

I’m happy to be coming up on 450 days, but I’m simultaneously sick to death of counting them. I’m happy to feel healthy and free of toxins, but I’m pissed off that I can’t go out for drinks or have wine in a restaurant. I’m happy to be a year sober but not wanting to keep going. And disappointed to be feeling low after all this time. And when I feel low, I blame sobriety. And I feel resentful about a lot of things, and then blame sobriety again.

I’ve been drifting from my supports for sure. No blogging. A lot less sober reading. Almost no exercise. And the result? Drinking dreams. Thoughts about drinking someday somehow. Mental torment. No wonder I’m cranky.

Faced with a night alone in the house, I contemplated a bottle of Pinot my mom left after her most recent visit. I figured I could drink the whole thing and no one would know. True. But then what? Surely I’d want to do it again. Wouldn’t I? But I wouldn’t want anyone to know. And it dawned on me – this is how people end up sneaking, hiding, feeling ashamed. A nasty snowball of actions, out of control. Wow. So I walked away from that idea.

I had such a positive outlook before, grand plans for a year of nurturing the seedlings of a healthy sober life. And instead I walked away from most of it. But thankfully it’s not too late.

Once again I’m practicing patience. Patience with a long winter, a low mood. Patience with myself. We change the clocks tonight. Spring will come. I am the sky. The clouds will blow by eventually.

Hoping you are well,

jen

 

 

 

 

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25 thoughts on “Day 438: contradictions

  1. Yes. You would know and that’s really all that’s important.
    Make a list of things you enjoy. Go to a meeting if you don’t normally. Call a therapist.
    Take a positive action in the direction you want to go. It can be small, but do it.

    And get rid of the wine. Consider it An act of self love.

    Hugs
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You can not discount how low these dark dark days and nights makes us. SAD is a real thing. This is why alcohol is such a problem in dark dark dreary-in-the-winter days in Scandinavian countries, in places such as Alaska – where it stays dark for most of the days and there’s nothing to do… depression and drinking. Honor that this time of year is so TOUGH. you are okay. you are just fine… we’re with you

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  3. So good to see you here! Those thoughts and resentments can wear on us. Struggling with exercise here too. Zero excuses for not exercising and absolutely know the significant benefits and how those precious endorphins would boost me like no craft beer could…LOL! Keep writing to us please. And don’t look back…you’re not headed that way. 🐢😋

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When I have dark moods, dark thoughts, wtf’s, I play it forward. What happened the last time I drank, the time before that – no good obviously. Reach out to others, start up a new hobby or project. Think positive. You are doing brilliant by the way!! Hugs, A

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  5. And we got more snow! But at least we have sunshine today! It has been a hard winter here. I coped by walking when I could. I also got a life coach, who really helped me keep moving, and reframing things!
    Hugs!
    xo
    Wendy

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  6. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and it’s totally okay you feel like you do. Please don’t reach for the bottle though, can you imagine how much worse you’ll feel if you do? It’s just not worth it and tell that little bitch inner voice to calm down and stop trying to trick you into starting again. I am so glad to see you back blogging it out.

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  7. Have missed you…and truthfully wondered how you were doing and hoping you were onward and upward in your journey. But after reading today’s post, (which I was delighted to see!) I realized the reality of this journey we are on is NOT to magically throw a switch and everything bad disappears. That’s just not life. So, I totally get where you are coming from. Totally cheering you onward and upward…..in the meantime, self care is in order!

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  8. So happy to hear from you! I can relate with you on the hard winter and hard moods. I second Anne’s advice to throw out the wine. A temptation in your very own nest is not needed right now, dude. I hope you’ll spend not one more second giving yourself a hard time, and send your heart love and approval, again and again, and again — a stream of love into your heart. Pause and think about what your new set of sober supports should be now. Pick some new ones and make sure there’s happiness and fun in them and not just discipline….. I think we outgrow sober supports faster than we realize. An old support doesn’t seem supportive anymore and so we drift away from the concept in general. I do at least. The “you got this” voice comes in, implying that if we got through the first bunch of months then all is good. For me at least. Well, no, I don’t “have” this. It’s still a thing, and increasingly a thing of beauty because of the flow outward of ways of being and thinking and breathing that no longer suit me. But not obvious or always easy. Drinking alcohol would just be adding another problem to whatever’s ailing you. And, if my old experience is any guide, not even be what Wolfie thinks it would be. Happy spring and happy new listening to different quirky parts of you who are quietly waiting for you to notice them and, oh, take them on an artist’s date or something. Keep writing. (If you promise to keep writing, I promise not to write a whole damn essay in response to every post 🙂 )

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  9. What a lovely bunch of wise, empowered,beautiful, real women visit here!
    Aren’t you glad you – courageously – got back on and posted?
    There is so much astute advice and love and support going out to you here, jen, and by osmosis to everyone who reads and writes in response.
    Life is life. Utterly dynamic. Never static. No matter if there is wine in the picture or not.
    And yet, consciously choosing to be awake, present, intentional, and sober makes facing the ups and downs so much more satisfying in the larger picture kind of way. And so much healthier and really more enjoyable too!
    You are a person who ultimately chooses to take responsibility for your own life.
    You know what to do.
    One small thing (as Anne says) keeps the momentum going.
    So very very glad to see you here again 🙂
    Hugs,
    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

  10. As Deb said. You know what to do. And know that you have great support here. We’re listening.
    I’ve stopped counting the days. I know the day I stopped drinking. That’s enough for me. Counting is bothersome.
    Summer here is at an end and I am so enjoying my first sober summer.
    Today was a good day, got to the gym after a week’s absence. Dug about in the the garden for a bit, too. Fresh air and sunshine. Lying in the grass to rest staring at the clouds. Off to have a soak in the bath.

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  11. Hi Jen!! I’ve been intermittently checking in on your blog to see what’s up so it’s so good that you’re back 😁 yes you have been missed. It’s weird we’ve never met but you have been in my thoughts. I said to my friend just yesterday, man I could really have a drink right now! She said, but then before you know it you’ll be right back to where you were before. I wasn’t ever going too have one but she was right nonetheless and it’s always a good idea to say how you’re feeling to someone else to get a grounding reminder. Your honesty in your blogs has taught me that. As I near 252 days I often go back to your blog to check in how you were feeling at the time. Thank you again. Annnnnnnnnd You did well, you didn’t have another day 1. 450 mate that rocks! You keep keeping on and I am sending you all the best thoughts and hugs all the way from NZ. Wishing you peace and happiness soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. So good to hear from you. That blows that you’ve been feeling shitty. It could be that these negative thoughts and depression are symptoms of peri menopause. Im finding peri menopause to be super difficult and a huge challenge— anxiety, depression, negative thoughts abound. And I wonder if it’s masquerading as a threat to our sobriety. Does that make sense? My kid won’t stop singing off key, I feel like exploading, I want a drink…oh shit, I’m about to relapse. I’m a weak person!! But in truth it’s not the shitty singing, it’s the hormones that are making me anxious, which then makes me think of drinking. You, know? Anyway, my point is, breathe deep, this dark cloud is not you being weak, it’s you being controlled by insane hormone levels. This too shall pass. The sun with come out eventually.

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    1. Thank you Mary! Yes, I have considered peri menopause. I’m quite sure I’m in it actually. Based on my age and some other symptoms, it is likely. The bummer is my brain uses these mood problems as an excuse to ponder alcohol. Annoying brain. Those old grooves aren’t completely smoothed out yet.

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  13. I can relate. For me, idle hands are the devil’s workshop so to speak. I have to stay busy and active in thought and action. Then there is the drawback. I get ‘hooked on cures’ so to speak and they become toxic. It is a constant balancing of my mental state. Exhausting, yes, but sobriety makes it the struggle worthwhile. Great post.

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