I’m the kind of person who enjoys looking forward to things, big things, often way out in the future things.
In my twenties, I looked forward to homeownership and marriage and getting a real job.
In my thirties, I looked forward to babies and then to those babies growing up.
And then, in my forties, I sort of ran out of big things to look forward to. I remember thinking – what’s next? – retirement?
So I looked forward to smaller things – vacations, parties, summer weather. And weekends. All of these events included alcohol and I looked forward to that too.
And then I started to look forward to the alcohol more than the events. I remember thinking – why do we need to go to this thing when we could just as easily drink at home?
And then I figured out that the alcohol was wrecking my life. So I gave it up.
But now what? I sometimes struggle to figure out what to look forward to. Weekends are so similar to weekdays. I’m used to the good and the bad of wine-drinking, especially on weekends, and now there is neither. It makes everything sort of flat.
And now when an event appears on the horizon, I begin to question it – is it something I want to do? Or is it something I would have done along with/because of the drinking but not really enjoyed?
I find myself wondering what in the heck to look forward to at all. It’s confusing and a bit depressing.