Day 90: a cautionary tale

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In 2016 I also celebrated 90 days. I thought it would be interesting to see what I wrote on that day. This was in an email to sober coach Belle:

I used to worry a lot about my health because I was drinking most days and it often made me sick. There also was a coworker of mine who we suspected had some serious alcohol issues and she was having trouble with her pancreas and later esophageal cancer and I thought to myself – I’m going to end up like her. but still I kept drinking. I thought my options were keep trying to moderate, try to drink less, try to stop making myself sick, or someday a doctor is going to tell me you have to stop. absolutely stop. and then I would stop. (somehow?) I was very badly struggling with drinking too much and breaking promises to myself and all that. But I had no idea it was possible to be able to stop drinking completely without aa, or without a serious medical condition forcing me to stop. I didn’t know it was possible for people to do that. and here I am, completely stopped. holy crap, thank you. I gave up alcohol without having to humiliate myself at aa or in front of a doctor or have my family come to me and say you have to stop, we’re going to do an intervention. oh my god none of those things happened and here I am 90 days sober. I did it and I’m proud, but I never, ever could have done this without your ideas and supports. I’m so grateful.

If I hadn’t stumbled upon your blog, I would surely still be drinking today. Absolutely. And maybe I wouldn’t have ended up sick or with my family raising alarms. Who knows. It doesn’t matter because my life was becoming a slow river of misery. And now it’s not.

I’m still working out this new sober life thing and I have a ways to go still, but I’ve come far. To be 90 days sober and at peace, not miserable, not angry, is amazing to me. Sometimes I still feel a sadness about giving up wine, but not like in the beginning.

I remember feeling very grateful and happy.

And 83 days later I started drinking again.

Yikes. There’s a cautionary tale for you. I’m sure there will be more posts about this as I inch forward toward the days when (last time) I started to consider another go at moderation.

 

Happy Sober Monday,

jen

7 thoughts on “Day 90: a cautionary tale

  1. This is the kind of post that really makes me think. I passed 100 days then drank partway through vacation, then stopped again. When we stop drinking most (all?) of the reasons for stopping/cutting down disappear. So that’s why many people go back to drinking because they forget how bad it was. Vicious cycle indeed.
    I’m sending positive energy your way!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Congratulations on 90 days! I relate to your post completely. One thing I learned this time around is that PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) can strike at lunar intervals so at 30, 60, 90, 120 days. Last fall I lapsed after 4 months while on vacation – at around 120 days! I will be at 90 days in two days and I’m definitely observing thoughts about drinking but they are very mild this time. I have become much stronger and more resilient each time I get longer term success but it also becomes a lot harder to even get started on that process after each lapse and relapse, if that makes sense? If I started to drink again, I believe I might never get back to the deep sense of inner peace I finally have again and that is a potent motivator to stay sober. Let’s keep going!!! xo

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    1. It’s easier to stay stopped but harder to get going again if we don’t stay stopped. Yes, I think so. I used to think that meant sobriety really wasn’t as great as it’s cracked up to be, but now I think it’s more to do with the effect alcohol has on our brain chemistry.

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  3. Thanks so much for your cautionary tale! Day 143 here. Five years ago, I stopped drinking to lose weight and run a half marathon; also, because my then-partner had quit. I lost the habit easily. However, two years later, I was at a wedding and there was nothing there to drink: just booze and soft drinks (which I hate). So, I decided I had “no choice” but to drink light beer. And so it all began again. Before long, I was a daily drinker all over again. How is it different for me this time? I keep reminding myself of what happened last time! And I am not just doing this on a whim, I am doing this for important reasons! And I am not going to mindlessly screw it up! Just like you.

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  4. It’s awesome that you are revisiting these past experiences, both for yourself and for others. It’s so helpful to get a glimpse into other peoples thoughts.

    My only suggestion…ask yourself why you think going to AA would be humiliating…

    Asking for help is humbling, but it is also very brave. I never expected or wanted to go to AA, but when I did I realized it was a place of pure truth and unconditional acceptance. And while I don’t go often, I do keep going back just for the reminder that we are all the same. Plus, it makes me feel like a bad ass. Lol
    The drunk on the park bench, the rock star addicted to drugs, the mom crying into her wine every night. We are all lonely and looking to ease our pain. And we realized booze was not the cure we thought it was. Recognizing that has made me much more compassionate with myself.

    Hug. You are doing great!

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well… I think I was imagining feeling humiliated because I would have been somehow forced to go rather than wanting to go. I will admit that even now I have some negative associations with AA, but I do also try to keep an open mind.

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      1. I think everyone has a negative view. I definitely did. But going is eye opening.
        Everyone there is sober. They were all where I wanted to be!

        Plus, it’s interesting to go to a “secret” group.

        Anyway, it’s always there. Some day you should just go check it out.

        Liked by 1 person

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