I have learned through this blogging experience that, for sure, writing makes me feel better. If I’m mad or sad or confused about something, I feel less mad, sad, or confused after I write about it.
So today I’m going to share something in hopes that bringing it into the light will take some of its power away, or scare it off, or something like that. It’s a small thing, but I’ve learned from past experience that small things can make a big difference, in good ways when they’re good, or vice versa.
So tonight I was in our local Japanese restaurant, sitting near the front desk, waiting for a takeout order. It wasn’t very busy, but I was watching the little that was going on. A waitress stepped behind the bar area and came out with a bottle of beer in one hand and what looked to be a really lovely cold glass of white wine in the other, and my head reacted like this:
I want one of those.
I want to be here, in this place, with my husband, just the two of us, drinking that.
Well, not now, but later.
I’m almost to a year. Later could be then.
And I had this old familiar feeling, a feeling of wanting and deciding to have, wash over me, the same feeling from two years ago when I decided that six months of sobriety was plenty enough.
Then another voice spoke up, presumably the real me, and said, “Oh my god. I’m at risk.”
And I felt sad. Sad about the wine and sad about the wanting of the wine. I guess both voices felt sad.
Then the waitress came back and did the same routine again. And I wanted that glass of wine too. 🙄
Next, a woman came in with her two teenage kids. While they were waiting to be seated, she was jiggling a little, all antsy, and I thought:
She can’t wait to get to her wine. I remember what that feels like. I want the wine, but I don’t want to go back to that feeling.
But maybe someday. Maybe someday when it’s just me and the husband, and we’re retired. Maybe then. Maybe it would be worth it.
Eventually I got the heck out of there and went home with my sushi. And I asked myself – What was that?! What was “the thing”? What was it you were really pining for? Surely it wasn’t just the wine.
So I’ve decided “the thing” was romance, date night, in fact. And come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time the husband and I went out to dinner just the two of us. It’s been a really long time.
I’m thinking sober date night needs to be cultivated and practiced. And soon.
Thanks for helping me shine some light.
Happy sober Friday,